Footprints Final Thoughts

I am so glad my friend encouraged me to map out my footprints. It really has been amazing to see how God has been preparing me for this journey with autism my entire life.

Footprint 1 - Early in life I had a wonderful relationship with my great-aunt who had Down Syndrome.
Footprint 2 - I earned my bachelor's degree in Elementary Education.
Footprint 3 - I was a substitute teacher for 3 years which allowed me to work with MANY educators/schools & learn LOTS of strategies & tricks/tips for teaching a variety of skill sets.Footprint 4 - Becoming a mother made God's love for me so real & understandable. I was ready to trust him with my entire life once again.
Footprint 5 - God worked in my heart a desire to tell others how God has rocked my world....AND he increased the number of people in my life through our new found "autism-related" communities.

There are many days, like today, when I think how ill-equipped I am to be raising a son with autism. The frustration is overwhelming most days, and I ALWAYS feel like I fall short of being the kind of mom that Ethan deserves or needs. He needs a mom who has more patience, more understanding and more energy. But, when these discouraging thoughts begin to creep in, I always remind myself that NO ONE could love this kid as much as I love him. And then I vow to do better the next day.

But having this map of footprints is something that, now in black & white, I have realized that I really AM equipped to handle the mystery of autism. I have past experience, education, training, and a desire for learning to live with autism. Until this moment, I have not realized that all of these things have helped to mold me into the mother that I am for Ethan. Did my Great-Grandma realize that her decision to not institutionalize my Great-Aunt in the 1920s would effect her Great-great grandchild's life? I doubt it. But it has GREATLY effected me & my parenting values and therefore effects Ethan. Did my own Grandma think about how taking in my Great-aunt would effect the generations to come? Again, I doubt it. But, again....it's has.

During my student teaching & teaching years, I thought I was preparing for my own classroom. But I was being prepared for how to help & teach my own child. When I sit in educational meetings or attend conferences, I am able to follow the "jargon" & understand concepts. My husband has said to me during some of these that he has attended, "Did you understand that? Yes? Ok....explain it to me later." LOL! And without my past education, I wouldn't have been able to easily understand these things.

And, I don't even want to think about where I would be without having God in my life. He is my daily encourager & provider. I go to him with everything....my hurts, my worries, my struggles....everything. And as I continue to read His word & speak with Him daily, he is always comforting & loving. I couldn't imagine learning to live with autism without Him. I think I would loose my mind! It gives me HUGE goosebumps to see how He has been laying out these footprints since I was born. This then leads me to think about how he is preparing Ethan's path. He has been with me & watched over me since before I knew Him....and I can already see that happening in my child's life. GOD IS AWESOME!

I know that this moment in time is just another footprint to the next one....and who knows what that will be. But looking back helps me to continue to trust in the future. Whatever comes my way, I know that I will have either been prepared for it or it is to prepare me for my future. And that is comforting & reassuring.

So, what are your footprints? What things in your past have led you to what you are going through now? I encourage you to map out your footprints as well. If you are anything like me, you will be overwhelmed & awed at the outcome.

Mapping Out Footprints Conclusion

Footprint #5 - This last footprint contains a couple of things that happened at the same time. During my intense bible study, I had started co-teaching an adult Sunday school class at my church, and Ethan began his first steps into Early Intervention. At the time, these things seemed like separate parts of my life, but now looking back, it was all tied together.

For several weeks in our Sunday school class, our topic of study was Spreading the Word of God. We talked about how to talk to others about our faith, our church, our Lord, etc. in ways that were not offensive or "Bible-thumping." Others in the class were talking about people in their lives that they were praying for or casual people that had crossed their path & felt led to share their faith. Well, I was (and am) a stay-at-home Mom of one child. My daily interaction with people was extinct. Who WOULD I share my faith with other than the people in my own home? My family? Well, Corey & I were raised in Christian homes, so most of the people in our families already have faith in God. Who could I tell about my loving Savior? I could think of no one. So, I began to pray for God to bring opportunities to me. Well, what God actually did was gave me a DESIRE to tell others about Him. I'm sure there were people in my life of whom I could have shared, but I wasn't READY to share my story with others. But as I began to pray for God to bring people to me, my heart began to change. Soon, my desire to tell others about what God has done in my life was ready to explode.


During this time of studying & praying, Ethan had begun his Early Intervention program. He was now participating in a 2 day a week Developmental Playgroup for a couple of hours, speech therapy once a week, and occupational therapy once every other week. My daily life was no longer just me & Ethan. Our days were filled with therapists, teachers, other kiddos, parents, and case managers, and so on.

Do you see how these are related? I didn't then, but I do now. Crazy, right?! I tell the girls in my current Bible study that God creeps me out when He does stuff like this! And I'm beginning to realize that He is constantly doing stuff like this all the time.....we just are slow to realize.....if we even realize it at all. God was pulling it all together. He was preparing my heart & preparing my path all at the same time. LOVE IT!

Now some people may try & say that God GAVE Ethan autism in order to answer my prayers. Well, I don't think that's the case. I believe that God is USING the fact that Ethan has autism to reach a group of people we would have never been able to reach. Even though I am an educator, I knew NOTHING of Early Intervention or the workings of the Special Education department in my own school district. I would have never been as involved in Easter Seals or Autism Speaks. We are able to connect to families that we would have NEVER been aware of before.....and I praise God for that. I am so thankful that He has opened up my heart & eyes to see the needs of others in similar situations. And He did it at the perfect time. I was ready for Him to direct my paths & I was ready to share my story....perfect timing. He creeps me out! And I LOVE that about Him!!!!

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20

Mapping Out Footprints Continues...

Footprint #3 - The summer that I graduated from college, no schools were hiring. It was RIGHT after 9/11 happened, and everyone was panicking. Budgets were being tightened, no one was changing jobs, etc....you all know all of that stuff. But I was getting married that summer too, so I needed a job. I soon found one outside of my field that I enjoyed as well. I had worked at Morton Buildings in high school, and that place seemed like a second home to me. I love those people. But, soon after that, my husband accepted a great job in Tennessee. So, we moved to TN & then back again after only a month. (To read more on that story, read Day 5 Things I'm Thankful For post.) After this move back, I began to substitute teach. Honestly, this is where my teaching education really began. I worked mostly at a small school (one teacher per grade), and the atmosphere among the teachers was very collaborative. I would listen to these teachers brainstorm on how to reach their students, and I was in awe at the creativity. Soon, I was filling in for longer bouts of time.
One of the students in the school had a full-time aide. He was diagnosed with autism. Her husband was military, and she would need to be gone for weeks at a time in order to see him when he was home. I filled in a lot for her. This was my first real experience with a thing called autism. He was in 3rd grade at the time, and, honestly, I was so scared. I was totally out of my realm, had no idea what I was doing, and I didn't want to do something that would upset or scar this child. My being there instead of his loved aide was difficult enough, and I didn't want to make things worse. The special education teacher (who is now a dear friend...you can read her own journey with adoption & autism at Home With Our Girl) was my main lifeline. She told me all about this boy, and what helps him. She spent  A LOT of time with us, showing me tricks & tips, and I was mesmerized at the stuff I was learning. It was amazing.

I continued to substitute teach which lead me to a job as a teacher's aide at this same school. And that led to a teaching position. It was only a year (maternity leave), but it was the best. I was able to teach with my new hands-on education from subbing, and it was the first time that I felt confident in my abilities as a teacher. After that ended, I was offered a position as an aide again. This time, it would be for the boy who had autism that I had spent so much time getting to know.  His aide was moving, and they wanted me for her replacement. I was flattered that they thought so much of me to offer me this honor, but I still didn't feel comfortable being in the special ed realm. I had no training or qualifications or experience. So, I turned the job down.

Heartbroken that after 3 years of substitute teaching and no permanent teaching position, I decided to leave the education world. I once again sought out Morton Buildings and secured a full-time, steady job that I loved, and I worked there until I was placed on bed rest during my pregnancy. We were planning on me being a stay-at-home mom anyway, so it seemed like the best time to make my leave.


Footprint #4 - After becoming a mother, my spiritual life rocketed. I saw God through new eyes, and I fell in love with him in a brand new way. I spent hours rocking Ethan while reading my Bible, praying and singing. Songs like, "Jesus Loves Me" would bring me to the ugly cry because I got it. If God loves me the way I loved my child......it was just overwhelming to say the least. Shortly after this, a friend asked me to participate in a intense weekly bible study. It was a more like a college course for new Christians, but they were implementing it at our church for anyone who wanted to take it. It rocked my world. I told Corey that it filled in holes....questions that I had always had......and I felt like I understood my faith in a complete & whole way. This course taught me how to STUDY the Bible, not just read it.

I would study the Bible during Ethan's nap time. During one session, after I had read the Bible, I confessed to God that I hadn't given him all of me. After we had trusted in God to lead us to TN & the mess that that was, I was a little leery on giving God full access again. I wanted to be in control of my own path. He was more than welcome to come with me & be right along side me, but I wanted to choose where I was going. During this session with God, I gave that back to him. And as I was sobbing from past wounds & a new surrender, I remember feeling his arms wrap around me in a hug, and in his still small voice, I heard him say, "I love you, Jessica. I will use you right where you are." I will NEVER forget that moment. My heart was now ready for God to direct my paths.

Mapping Out Footprints

Several weeks ago, I was talking with a previous colleague/friend, and we were talking about Ethan....and that led to me talking about autism. She made a comment that has stuck with me. She said, "It's amazing to see how God has led you to this point in your life." She continued to explain that she had just finished up a bible study where they mapped out their "footprints" in their life, and she said it was interesting to see how God uses our past experiences for our future. And that got me thinking.....what are the footprints that have led me to this point? So, I mapped out my own footprints...and she was right. God has been preparing me for this moment in time ALL of my life. Chills. I needed to break this up into parts because it is very lengthy. But stay with me because it is eerie how God has been preparing me my whole life for "such a time as this." And my hope is you will see the same thing in your own lives.....


Footprint #1 - As a child, I grew up with a fun, sweet & wonderfully ornery great-aunt. She was so much fun to play games with or hang out with....I just loved her. Even though she was about 50 years older than me, she was a great playmate. You see, she had Down Syndrome, so she enjoyed the child-like games that my cousins & I played.....and we loved having her join us. Man, could that girl make us laugh! She would make up games to play, read us her devotions, tell us make-believe stories, and so on. As a child, I knew that she was different, and I eventually came to understand what Down Syndrome clinically meant......but that NEVER changed how I felt about her. I still loved her & wanted her to play with us. She went to Heaven a few years ago, but she will FOREVER hold a place in my heart.

Footprint #2 - When I first went to college, my major was Business Administration. Well, after my first Econ class and a brutal Accounting class, I decided that this was NOT for me. So, I switched my major to my next choice, Elementary Education. I loved it. It was a perfect fit. During my four years of study, I was only required to take ONE special education class. It did require some clinical hours which meant that I would go to the nearby school & observe the special education program. Because of the large enrollment of students in the program as well as time available, my clinical hours were spent to observe the after school program computer lab. Not much to observe. So, here I graduated with a four year degree in elementary education, and had NO CLUE of special education or accommodations or modifications or ANYTHING! But I was okay with that at the time because I wasn't planning on going into the special needs field. I have always believed that it takes a person with that preference....similar to choosing to teach high school students or elementary students......and that was not my preference. I would leave it up to the special education teachers.

A Look Back at 2011

Every New Year's Eve, I get a little emotional. Not because I am dreading my upcoming New Year's Resolution, but because I look back over the past year & remember the good & bad times. And this New Year's Day was no different.


January 2011 - We began Occupational Therapy.....and our world was completely transformed by learning & discovering Ethan's Sensory Diet. During this month, we also started with a new Speech Therapist, and we all began to understand a little better HOW to help Ethan to communicate....and not just repeat what we said.

Ethan, how old are you?

January 2011 - After eating breakfast

February 2011 - We continued to take Ethan to his bi-weekly developmental playgroup, occupational therapy & speech therapy. Ethan continued to make excellent progress, and we began focusing on self-help skills at home.

February 2011 - Me & Ethan brushing our teeth....ignore my messy bathroom!

March 2011 - Ethan was becoming more & more "verbal". He was expressing his needs in words & not just in gestures. We had also been using the "brushing" technique in OT for a couple of weeks, and saw significant changes in Ethan's behavior. We were becoming more convinced that Ethan had Sensory Processing Disorder. Maybe this was the only issue? And not autism? Still debating it in my mind at this point.

March 2011 - The night we discovered that Ethan loved my foot bath. The water, the bubbles, the vibration, the sound....all calming for him....so now it's OUR foot bath.

April 2011 - We were preparing for our trip to the Autism clinic. We were filling out paperwork, taking videos, lining up babysitting, taking time off work.....and praying for the correct diagnosis. Ethan continued his therapies. Although I tried to relax, this month was filled with nervous anxiety....waiting for the day of the clinic. Meanwhile, we discovered that Ethan not only loved cars.....but NASCAR as well! So this month, Ethan attended his first dirt-track race. I contacted the new owner, and he sent us tickets in order for Ethan to attend & see if it was something that he could handle. So, Corey, his dad & Ethan (all huge car enthusiasts) went to the race, and the only time Ethan had a hard time....was when the cars STOPPED racing! Maybe next year will be better?!

April 2011 - Easter morning

April 2011 - Ethan at Peoria Speedway Track

May 2011 - This was the big month of the year. On May 4th, Ethan was officially diagnosed with Autism. However, during our consultation with the Easter Seals staff, we were told to continue doing what we were already doing. By the date of his diagnosis, Ethan had already been participating in a developmental playgroup for 7 months, speech therapy for 5 months, and occupational therapy for 4 months. Additional resources were made available to us, now that we were an Easter Seals family, but the only thing they wanted us to add was feeding therapy. On the way home from the clinic, I was calling every additional resource that was provided as well as suitable to Ethan's needs. A consultation with a feeding therapist was scheduled, orientation to the Easter Seals resource room was lined up, and our names were on the next available Easter Seals New Family - Autism Diagnosis class. The waiting was over & now it was time to be even more proactive in helping Ethan.

May 2011 - A couple of days before the clinic, we took Ethan bowling with our church. I thought he would hate all the noise, but he LOVED it! Here is Corey bowling with Ethan. (I don't think Corey liked me taking his picture!)

June 2011 - Ethan's 3rd Birthday!!!! We were so excited for our little boy's birthday, but turning three also meant "aging out" of his Early Intervention program. We had to say good-bye to all of his wonderful & loved teachers, therapists & amazing coordinator. The people that I had grown so fond of....the people who helped Ethan through his first steps.....will FOREVER hold a special place in my heart. Without them, Ethan wouldn't have made the progress he did in just those 8 short months. It was hard work for all of us, and I am eternally thankful to these amazing people. But this was not the end of his therapy....just this program. During this month, we also met with the public school district in order for them to assess Ethan's skills & needs. During this session, the teachers thought that Ethan would be best suited in a "regular ed" classroom. Soon after meeting with Ethan, they realized that he is very intelligent, but he needs to hear/see typical social interactions. I was over the moon. This would not have been the outcome had it not been for all of Ethan's (and our) hard work. So, on Ethan's 3rd birthday, not only did we celebrate our child turning another year older, but we rejoiced at all of the progress he had made during the months of intense therapy.

June 2011 - Ethan's 3rd birthday

Ethan's 1st Movie - Cars 2. He had removed his headphones, but still had his weighted lap toy.

June - Ethan meeting his first NASCAR driver.....#33 Jeff Burton!

 
July 2011 - Since school didn't start for another month, Ethan & I decided to take a break & enjoy summer vacation. We got a pool pass, and as long as we stayed away from the pool's speakers (LOUD music!), Ethan loved it. Although he still can't swim, he loves playing in the water...and I love seeing him so happy. We enjoyed lots of typical summer activities, and also attempted to start potty training. We thought it was perfect timing. However, it didn't go very well, and I was tempted to call Easter Seals for some ABA therapy in order to help us help Ethan understand this multi-step self-help skill. After listening to advice from others, I decided to hold off, and just give Ethan time & space.

July 2011 - This was before we had sound proofing headphones, so Ethan would wear ear plugs to loud events....like the fireworks. We used to sit inside our city's stadium, but now that Ethan has such a hard time with the loudness, we sit outside in the park & watch them. Corey & Ethan are waiting for the show to start.

Ethan & Corey swimming. He LOVES the water!

August 2011 - Ethan's first day of pre-school! I was a nervous wreck...and with good reason. The first couple of days of drop-off, it was awful. It was a lot of commotion & noise as well as a new environment. Even though we had practiced our morning routine & even our morning drive....telling Ethan that was his school & school is so much fun, etc,etc....he was a pool of meltdowns for the first several days. Eventually it all worked out, but I did a lot of stress eating during that first week of school! HA! But Ethan loves going to school, and even though he doesn't say it with words, I can tell that he adores his teachers & therapists.

August 2011 - Here is Ethan ready for his first day of preschool

September 2011 -We celebrated a big victory this month of sitting through our town's annual festival's parade! A year ago, he couldn't do this, and it was a very hard day for our family...but THIS YEAR, it was the anniversary of Ethan's first steps in getting the help he needed. You can read all about it at Happy Anniversary Ethan! This month was also the Dr. Temple Grandin Conference that my mom, husband & I attended. Meeting & listening to her was so remarkable......and I couldn't help but think that Ethan may be able to help others someday as well. We were also very overwhelmed by the generosity of our amazing family & friends & strangers as Ethan and another child diagnosed with autism each received an iPad2. This tool has been so amazing & has helped in ways that nothing else has been able to do. I firmly believe that the iPad2 has helped advance Ethan's understanding of what he finds difficult to understand.....social interactions, communication, abstract thinking, etc. This thing is such a blessing, and we are so thankful to all who helped. We also personally received additional funding to purchase Ethan specific therapy items...such as his sound proofing headphones, his trampoline, and other calming aids. We are so blessed!

September 2011 - Ethan & I watching our town's parade! I was so happy to have this moment with Ethan!!!!

Corey & I with Dr. Temple Grandin....unbelievable! She is amazing!

Ethan's first time with his iPad2. He loves it!

October 2011 - Another big victory was this month.....Ethan's school's Halloween festivities. All of the holidays in 2011 were filled with memories from 2010.....hard memories. In 2010, Ethan had such a difficult time participating in the fun & activities. So, as the holidays of 2011 approached, we were nervous....very nervous. How would he handle it this year? Would all of his therapies over the past year have made a difference? However, as we tip-toed into the first holiday of Halloween, we soon realized that this year was going to be MUCH different than last year......MUCH better!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can read all about that at A Truly Happy Halloween.

October 2011 - Steak-n-Shake's youngest employee!

November 2011 - Ethan still attends school every day for 2 hours where he also participates in occupational therapy & speech therapy. It has been so nice for me because I get to be just mom....not mom & therapist & teacher. Although, if you know me at all, you know that those other roles aren't really gone from my job description. But I don't feel like I have to be everything all the time...I have excellent help from his school, and I'm so thankful for them. But when Ethan tells me that he wants to cut out the Christmas tree that he just colored, and I know that this is a goal he is working on at school......you better believe that I FLEW to the crafting closet to grab those scissors!!!!!!!!

November 2011 - Ethan & Grandma playing on Thanksgiving

December 2011 - This month was full of FUN!!!!! We took full advantage of Ethan's excitement of Christmas, and ran with it! We completely made up for the last couple of Christmases and enjoyed everything! The 25 Days of Christmas kept us on track, and helped us teach Ethan about giving...not just getting. He loved each activity, and I loved watching the joy on his face as he gave gifts to others. This month, he also FINALLY showed interest in potty training! And, I am pleased to say that it is going VERY well! He has even been dry for the last 2 mornings! AWESOME!!!!!
 

December 2011 - Ethan opening gifts on Christmas Eve

Last year at this time, I was looking over the memories of 2010.....and to be completely honest, I was overcome with sadness. 2010 was a very hard year, and I didn't have much hope for 2011. But NOW, as I look back over 2011, I am overcome with JOY! Ethan has come SOOOOO far this year! It has been hard & a lot of blood, sweat & tears, but I am able to see that the victories FAR outweigh the struggles. Last year, at this time, if Ethan wanted a drink, he would bring me his cup & push it in my hand. With some encouragement, guidance, therapy & one memorable 3 hour stand off.......Ethan now asks for a drink with his words.....while making eye contact. That little boy just came to me and said, "I want mommy to find the Little King on Cars 2 iPad, please."..........this is a boy who wasn't forming a sentence a year ago & was basically only repeating things we would say.

As I look at 2011, I am filled with love, joy, and smiles.....so different from last year. And, as I think about what 2012 holds for us, I am hopeful & encouraged. I envision swimming lessons, breaking the night-time pacifier, celebrating his 4th birthday, participating (hopefully) in the Easter Seals summer preschool program, the end of a school year, the start of another one, more & more speech patterns developing, more & more writing & reading, more & more self-help skills, and so much more. I am very hopeful when I think not only about 2011, but Ethan's future in general.

2011 has been filled with Learning to Live with Autism...with the emphasis on LEARNING. While I will never stop learning about autism & what that looks like in Ethan specifically, I think 2012 will have a different focus. I think it will be more focused on the LIVING now that Ethan is able to do more than he has ever been able to do. 2012......Here we come!!!!!!

How did you know? FINAL

Ethan was placed on a waiting list for the Easter Seals diagnostic clinic in October 2010. The earliest they could get him into the clinic that was closest to us was July 2011....9 months away. Ugh. Or we could go to a clinic that was an hour away, and they could get him in in May 2011....7 months. So, we chose the later. And, so, began the LLLLLOOOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG  anxiety filled countdown. The whole time we were waiting for the clinic, we were still trying to diagnose him ourselves. Does he have it or not? If so, what can we do for him. What are his specific issues. We were driving ourselves crazy. May couldn't get here fast enough.

In the meantime, he continued with the Early Intervention Program. He quickly started his developmental playgroup twice a week. And he loved it! He loved going to "school". When we would get there, he would run right in....no goodbyes or tears or apprehension....he loved it! And he thrived....this was one of the best things for him. We also started him in speech therapy. A speech therapist would come to our home once a week for an hour. I thought this would be wonderful, but Ethan had a difficult time focusing. Since he was in his own home, he wouldn't change his behavior simply because the therapist was there. He would play with her toys, but he wouldn't engage with her. He would take the toys behind a chair....he wanted the toys, but he didn't want to talk. So, we called Glenda our Fairy Godmother, and she found us a speech therapist at our local hospital. Ethan did soooo much better because it was a new environment. When he went into the speech room, he knew he was going to have to talk. We had good sessions and bad sessions, but it was much better for Ethan to go to her. This is also the same place we had Ethan's occupational therapy.

Ethan didn't start occupational therapy until after Christmas 2010. The Early Intervention Program put on a Christmas party for it's staff & students. I was so excited. We were going to finally meet parents & families going through the same things we were facing. I dressed Ethan in his cutest Christmas shirt & off we went to our local library....were the party was going to be held. When we walked in, Ethan wanted to go to the right...where we normally go on our weekly library day. However, the party was in a room to the left. Meltdown #1. I should have known at that moment that things were not going to go like I had hoped.  Once I finally coaxed Ethan into going into the party room, he was met by one of his playgroup teachers. We also saw Glenda our Fairy Godmother. They led us over to the tables where Ethan could make a snowman craft. He did it with his teacher. Then he wanted to play with the balls that the children were throwing in different containers (like the bags game). Well...we told him he couldn't take the balls out of the containers. He had to wait in line for his turn & then throw the balls......meltdown #2. Then, once he recovered, they had us all gather for story time. He did fine. Then they handed each child a bell to ring as they sang Christmas songs. HUGE meltdown #3. So, I took Ethan out of the party room & into the bathroom.....a quiet place where he could calm down. Little did I know that the bathrooms had movement activated hand dryers that went off as soon as you walked into the bathroom. MAJOR MELTDOWN #4....MAYDAY, MAYDAY, WE ARE GOING DOWN! Ethan was so upset, he was crying without sound. It was horrible. Once the dryer went off, we both sat on the floor in the corner of the bathroom, rocking & crying...both of us. It was awful. Once we both recovered, we exited the bathroom to a group of about 10 concerned staff members all trying to help Ethan & I.....meltdown #5. All Ethan was saying was, "bye-bye?" over & over again. I just told the staff thanks, but we were going to go home. They were all so sweet & understanding. They gave Ethan his gifts, party snacks, and a bag of other goodies. This was the worst day of my life. Alone again. We didn't even fit in here.

But, ironically, it wasn't the worst day ever. Because of this, the PARENTS at the party told Glenda our Fairy Godmother that their child suffered from similar sound issues, but because they were working with an occupational therapist, they were able to "endure" the party. Glenda called me with the idea of starting Ethan with an OT, and I quickly agreed. We were both crying...both of us upset for Ethan. I wasn't alone.

And over the last several months, we met more & more families, staff, and shirt-tail friends that were dealing with similar things. And even our family & friends were beginning to see/understand our situation. We weren't alone, and we were starting to reach out for help & support from everyone that would let us. Ethan continued with playgroup, speech & OT. And it finally came....May 4th at 7:30am.....the Easter Seals Diagnosis Clinic was about to focus their attention to our child. The day was long, but Ethan was AMAZING! He didn't have ANY meltdowns even with the new surroundings, sounds, and people. Prayer works baby! We felt that everyone who was observing & studying Ethan got to see the real Ethan...his strengths & weaknesses. Testing concluded at noon, and we were to meet the panel back sometime that afternoon. They would call us when they had reached their conclusion. So, my mom took Ethan home with her (she works in that town..she took a half day), and Corey & I stayed in town. We went to lunch & discussed the day. We both felt that whatever decision was made was going to be accurate...we both felt that they had heard/witnessed all of our concerns as well as experienced Ethan's sweet personality. They got a crash course in Ethan, and we both felt that that outcome would be a true reflection of our child.

So, they called us back about 2pm. They sat us down, showed us his scores, where he fell within the range for each one, discussed the video we had made, and on & on & on. And then the announcement. Ethan has "classic" autism. You would think I would have lost it, but strangely I felt relief. The waiting was over, the long day was over, and the jury had spoke what I knew to be true. Yes, I was still sad....and overwhelmed at the journey ahead.....but we now had even more resources...more people to help us & Ethan. I was relieved.

This was just a new beginning for Ethan & our family, but with the help of some amazing people placed in our life, Ethan is thriving! He is spelling more words today than he was SAYING a year ago. And Ethan's story is just one of many. But I am so thankful & blessed to be Ethan's mommy. He is my entire heart, and I will do whatever it takes to help him, to reach him, to support him, and to love him. And even autism won't stop Ethan....just wait & see.

How did you know? PART THREE

By March 2010, Ethan's speech was still very sparse, but we were hoping the tubes in his ears would be just the thing to encourage his language growth. Also, Ethan was 21 months old, and his behavior was starting to become an issue. Nothing out of the ordinary....typical toddler stuff. So, my sister let me borrow her book Dare To Discipline by Dr. James Dobson. As I was reading this book, I came across a section that talked about exceptions to the rule...what that rule was, I don't know. But what I remember was he was giving an example of a child with autism & the child's particular characteristics. The ones I remember were walking on tippy-toes, delayed speech, and lack of eye contact. There were more, but those are only ones I can remember now. And I remember reading that section over & over again.....and crying. It was Ethan. That was the moment that I knew. The words on the pages were describing my child. Well...I stopped reading that book, and began reading about autism. The more I read the more I knew in my gut that this is what my child was dealing with at his young age.

I wasn't about to tell anyone about my findings other than my husband, my mom & my sister....the people that know me the most in this world. All of them discounted it, saying to give the tubes time to "work".  By Ethan's 2nd birthday, he was becoming more withdrawn from his peers and family. We saw his peers developing social skills that Ethan was clearly lacking. I remember one day a family member asked me if I ever thought about Ethan having autism. I was heartbroken. My shameful secret was out. I played it off as if I hadn't, but I was dying inside. We couldn't ignore the signs any longer.

Late the Summer of 2010, we were at our town's annual festival parade. I was looking forward to Ethan & I watching the floats, clapping & dancing to the bands, collecting candy in our bag, and enjoying a celebration that I look forward to every year. My plans didn't exactly go as planned. What's that saying? If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans! Ethan wouldn't go near the street, so we decided to just keep him close to the house but still outside. He wasn't happy there either. So, we watched the parade alone in the house...looking out the window. This, I decided, was my new life. Watching the world happen from the window of my house....just me, my husband & Ethan. I was devastated. We were alone.

A few weeks later, a friend of ours who was at the parade with us, told us about an Early Intervention Program. She told us that this program provided free screening. They would check his development in every area. HALLELUJAH! A resource that could help us! So, I immediately contacted them. Ethan & I went in for the the screening. Out of 7 areas....Ethan was delayed in all of them....severely delayed in 2 or 3. (I can't remember exactly.) You would think this would be a low point, but it wasn't. They were going to assign us a coordinator who would be able to do further screenings as well as hook us up with any needed services that Ethan would need. HELP WAS COMING FOR MY BABY!!!!! This was a major turning point! This is were we met Glenda - Our Fairy Godmother.

Glenda met with me & we talked all about Ethan....pregnancy, birth, development and so on. After the interview, she set up a time for her & two therapists to come & play with Ethan. The day arrived and everyone was present.....me, Corey, Glenda the Fairy Godmother, a speech therapist and a developmental therapist. They played with him for about an hour. When it was over, it was decided that Ethan would be placed in a developmental playgroup twice a week, participate in speech therapy, and his name would be submitted to the Easter Seals Autism Diagnosis Clinic.

How did you know? PART TWO

After a horrible pregnancy & an early delivery, I was soooooo glad to be going home WITH my baby. However, when we got home, Ethan & I both were still recovering. Two days after we were home, we took Ethan for this first pediatric appointment. After a couple of tests, we discovered that Ethan had jaundice. So, we had to get him all set up with a billy rubin blanket. During all of that, my swelling still hadn't gone away like that said it would with delivery. So, I had several OBGYN visits during the same time Ethan was going for his appointments & tests. Not only were we overwhelmed with a new baby, but throw in a bunch of doctor visits (forcing me to leave my baby after only one day!), tests & unknowns. After a week of going in for "check-ups", they FINALLY gave me water pills...realizing that my water retention wasn't going away on it's own. After another week, Ethan & I were back to "normal"....well....the new normal.

Everything from there on out was pretty typical parenthood stuff....until he was about one year old. When he was one, that's when people started making comments to me & Corey. "Why isn't he talking? Do you read to him? Do you talk to him? Why isn't he walking? Do you work on that with him?" OF COURSE I DO!!!! But I tried to ignored their comments. I just figured he would do it all in his time. A month later, he started walking. And he would babble...none of it made sense to me, but it was a sign of growth. When he was 18 months, Ethan still wasn't where he "should" be with his talking. So, my sister gave me the information for an Ear, Nose & Throat Doctor. She thought we should have his hearing tested. GOOD IDEA! This will give me some ammo when people make comments to me about Ethan not talking! I'll show them!!!!

So, we had Ethan's hearing tested, and he responded to sounds & his name. However, one of the tests showed that Ethan had fluid behind both ear drums. This meant that he was hearing but not clearly. This meant Ethan was about to have tubes put in his ears. Well, that meant I had no ammo for my negative community, but Ethan was going to be helped & could hear!!! YEAH! We were so excited to have an answer.

This is Ethan with Daddy on the day of his surgery. He still has those socks...he loves them! After his surgery, we were anticipating words to be springing forth in the next couple of days. Well...that didn't happen, but I did notice something. When he & I would play our "What's a Cow Say?" game, he would laugh at the sounds. For example, when I asked him what a cow would say before the tubes, he would say, "boo". Well, after the surgery, when I would say, "moo"....he would CRACK up laughing! So, this told me that there was already a difference in his hearing. He would be making progress in his speech in no time!!! And he did....sort of....

How did you know? PART ONE

"How did you know? How did you know something was "wrong" with Ethan?"

Believe it or not, I get asked this question all the time. And truth be told, I didn't know. At least not right away.

Let's go back to the beginning. My husband & I married in August 2002. Being only 22 years old, we wanted to wait 5 years until we started our family. We thought we were being smart....planning it all out. HaHa! Two years later, I was having some noticeable health issues, so I decided to see a new OBGYN. Dr. Michelle Pepperell, who now lives in Texas (sad), ran some test and discovered that I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I was told that there was a strong possibility that I would have difficulty conceiving a child. And to be honest, at the moment, I was more concerned with my sudden weight gain & strange facial hair that having a child. I was only 24 at the time, and I was still trying to land a teaching position. Starting a family was the last thing on my mind.

Now, fast forward a couple more years. After doing long-term substitute teaching for a couple of years, I went back to work at Morton Buildings as an administrative assistant (I call it secretary). I loved it! And Corey's career was taking off as well. We were both doing well & in stable careers...the time seemed right. So, I went off my birth control pill in May 2007. Why was I on birth control if there was a low chance of conceiving? It was to help with my PCOS. Anyway, knowing that this was probably going to take years of trying, we weren't in any hurry...we were both very happy with our life, careers, family, etc. We would just leave it in God's hands. Then, in November, we got the shock of our life....we were pregnant. We couldn't believe it! We hadn't planned on it happening that quickly! We were so happy! God had blessed us with a miracle!

Right away, I started with the typical pregnancy experience....morning sickness. Only, mine wasn't morning...mine was all day sickness. After 12 weeks, I was hoping it would subside...like everyone said it would. It didn't. It got worse. I was losing weight, becoming extremely fatigued, and it was becoming impossible to work. So, my doctor put me on short term medical leave. She told me if I didn't start taking care of myself, my symptoms would get worse. And if I didn't start gaining weight, she was going to hospitalize me.YIKES! So, I took a leave from work & rested as much as I could...and I was still getting sick. During this time, my husband & I discussed our future. Baby names, nursery colors, college funds (hey, I'm a planner!), etc. We also decided that we wanted one of us to stay home with our kids. Since my income was half of my husband's, it was clear who should stay home. So, after my short term leave was over, I gave my 2 weeks notice. I was still sick, and I didn't know how I was going to make it through 2 weeks of work. And some days, I couldn't.

Shortly after that, my husband's grandfather passed away. We made a road trip to North Carolina. I packed lots of root beer & chicken noodle soup....the 2 things that I could faithfully keep down. Halfway through the trip, I noticed I was swelling. My shoes no longer fit, and it hurt my legs to walk. When we got back, my doctor put me on light bed rest. A month later, I was placed on complete bed rest. My blood pressure was rising, and I was already having contractions. I remember celebrating my 28th birthday with all of my family in my bedroom...that was hilarious.

The next day, Sunday, June 22nd, I woke up and realized that my water had broken....3 weeks early. Ten hours later, Ethan was born. I don't remember the first time I held him. We have pictures, but I don't remember it. They tell me that it was because of exhaustion and my extremely high blood pressure. Ethan was given formula right away due to his blood sugar being low, and he had to be in an incubator for days in order for him to increase/regulate his body temperature. They kept him in the nursery most of the time. By the time I was aware of things again, I went to see him. I remember wheeling into the nursery (I was in a wheelchair), and not knowing which baby was mine. That was overwhelmingly scary. Then, they led me over to his "bed". The nurse gave him to me, and we practiced "skin-to-skin". To me, that was the first time I remember seeing my child. He was perfect.

Ethan responded well to treatment, and he was able to go home with us. They said he was fine. He passed his hearing test, his car seat test, he was maintaining body temperature, and eating very well. Not too bad for 3 weeks early. But neither of us were out of the woods just yet.