"Jesus, Will You Be My Best Friend Forever?"

It was another trip to Easter Seals. What was once a quiet van ride only filled with the music of The Go Fish Guys, was now becoming Ethan's time to ask me questions about God. I was starting to look forward to these trips. Not only was it nice to have a "typical" back & forth conversation with Ethan, it was interesting to hear what questions he had for me. Almost like an inside peek into how his amazing mind works.

The day before my sister told me that her little girl had asked Jesus to be in her heart. This was something that I wondered if Ethan would understand or even WANT to do, but I had been praying for since he was created. And this is a pretty typical up/down feeling for a mom of a child on the spectrum. Most of your friends' kids are hitting milestones & achieving progress.......first steps, saying "Mommy," reading, writing, developing relationships, etc......and I am always so genuinely happy for them. I love seeing the kids in my life growing up....I love being Aunt Wo in my family or Miss Jessica at church or Mrs. Wolfe when I teach. But then there is ALWAYS a punch in the gut that comes with it. It's another reminder that my child is a bit different. That my precious Ethan may never achieve the milestones his peers are reaching. Up/Down feelings.....another quiet prayer in my heart.....my infamous broken record....."Please Lord, I want Ethan know you at an early age. And I want him to love you & serve you the rest of his life.

Discussing God with Ethan

What does God eat?

What is his favorite color?

Does he go potty like a big boy?

What do you ride on to get to heaven? A rocket?

LOVE. These are some of the questions that Ethan has been asking me about God, Heaven & salvation. On our 2 times a week drive to Easter Seals, we have a good solid 30 minute drive. Ethan, never being much for conversation in the car, prefers to listen to music. Our favorite groups of all time is The Go Fish Guys. They are a group of Dads that create Christian music...and some silly songs too....specifically for kids. BUT....they don't drive you crazy. I actually really enjoy them as well.

Something wonderful has happened this past month during our drives. Ethan has been asking a TON of questions about the words in their songs.

7 Tips to Teach Your Child With ASD About God

http://littleangelfirst.wordpress.com/

Ever since I found out that I was going to be a mom, I have had one major parenting question. “How am I going to teach my child about God?” And here I am…5 years later…wondering the same thing. “How am I going teach my child with autism about God?”

We know that abstract concepts, like faith, are difficult for most children to understand. However, generally speaking, those who have ASD find abstract concepts to be even more difficult. Give them a math problem & they can grasp that idea in no time. But something that is not tangible or visible, and you are in a whole new ballgame.

Shortly after Ethan was diagnosed with classic autism, my mom, husband & I attended one of Dr. Temple Grandin’s conferences. This question was brought up to Templeby another one of the attendees. Dr. Grandin responded by saying, “Teach them by your example. Teach them the Golden Rule. Follow the 10 commandments. Be love. Be God to them.” What a great answer for us all.

Recently, a friend asked me for some ideas to help her son who has recently been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. It wasn’t related to this topic, but it got me thinking…maybe I should start posting what I have learned in list form?! So, here are my tips for teaching children with ASD about God & your faith.

7 Tips to Teach Your Child With ASD About God

1. Be a Christ-like example to them. Show them God’s love, and do this wherever you are…not just at church. Be Christ at home, at the grocery store, at Walmart, at family functions….everywhere. Even though it may not seem like these kiddos are paying attention.....they are. Are we going to get this one right 100% of the time? Probably not, but our kids are smart enough to know when we are putting on a show and when we are being genuine. Galations 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Why "Courage and Coffee"

I realized that I have never answered this question on my blog, but it is a question I get asked most often.

"Why the name Courage and Coffee?"

Here's how it came to be.....

I began writing this blog months before I actually published it to the world. I kept the settings on "private" so only I would see it, and my blog had no name at that time. I just needed a place to get out all that I was feeling & thinking before I had a nervous breakdown......seriously. I was so overwhelmed with being the main caretaker of a chid with special needs. I felt as if I was thrown into the deep end of the "autism pool" without knowing how to swim. I was over my head & didn't know how to stop drowning. All I was trying to do was just tread water & get through each day one at a time.

Psalm 23

Once a year our church devotes a Sunday evening to showcasing the talents of the children in our church. This coming Sunday night is that night, and this is the first year that Ethan has met the age requirements to participate.

I'm still unsure of whether or not he will actually DO his talent in front of the church by himself, but I am not unsure of his talent. One of Ethan's greatest strengths is his memory. Earlier in the week, we began reviewing all of the memory verses that he has memorized. I was planning on having him recite a couple from memory for his talent. However, I started to realize that Ethan might be able to tackle longer memory verses. So, yesterday we started learning The 23rd Psalm.....and today he is reciting it without any cues or help. Here is a video of him doing so......he case he decides not to participate on Sunday. :0)

Psalm 23:1-6

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil; For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.

AMEN!!!

My Repeated Prayer

Dear Lord,

It's me again. I know I say the same thing over & over again, but it's what is in my heart & on my mind. Thank you so much for who you are. I am reminded of how big you are everyday, and I am humbled to be in your presence. Thank you, Lord, for taking the time to hear from me....one person in this big world. Thank you for caring & loving me. I am overwhelmed by your love and forever grateful for the ability to have a close relationship with you.

Thank you for the blessings that I have been given in my life. Thank you for my family, my friends, my church, my health and provisions. Thank you Lord for the 2 men that you have place in my life. They are my everything, and I am so fortunate to be the lady in their lives. Thank you.

Lord, once again I come to you on behalf of my son, Ethan. Lord, I will not ask you for healing. I will never ask you to heal him from autism. I believe that you have created him just the way he is.....and he is perfect. Lord, I thank you for giving us Ethan....for entrusting him to us. I simply ask that you watch over him & be there with him. Guide his life, Lord. Please send him people that will love him, care for him, guide him, and help him as he faces many challenges that most other children will not face. Lord, I also pray that he learns from & overcomes the hardships that will come from people in this world. Negative comments, bullying, discrimination.....Lord, I pray that Ethan will not be entirely sheltered from these things, but will find a way to deal with it & have it develop his character.

Lord, I love my little boy more than anything in this world. But I know that he will not be little or in my care forever. Please help me to parent this child in the way that will help him best....as the child he is and as the adult man he will one day become. Please give me wisdom to understand autism and the patience of mothering a boy with it. And, Lord, I pray that you use this experience....to use our life.....to show others you. My prayer is what is written in John 9:3, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him." 

Lord, I also lift up others in my life. Please be with Corey and my family: L, C, S, S, R, S, H, M, B, H, C, C, R, D, E, O, A, C, H, C, G. Please be with my friends & their families. Please be with all of Ethan's teachers & therapists. Lord, thank you for all of these people in our lives. 

Once again, Lord, as I think about what you have done in my life, I am in awe. Thank you for never leaving me. I pray that my child will too come to know you, love you & serve you all the days of his life. Knowing & loving you has changed my life for the best, and I am eternally grateful.

I love you so much. Amen.

One Year Later

This is not going to be an easy post for me. Honesty.....it's not always the easiest thing.

It has been one year since Ethan was tested & officially diagnosed by the Easter Seal's team with "classic autism." What I want to say is that it's been a hard year, but we are fine now. Well....sorry folks.....I'm not fine. The fact that my one & only child has this developmental disorder is just as hard on me as it was a year ago. He has & is making HUGE progress, but I HATE that my child has this disorder. I wanted so much for him, and this was NOT on my list or in my plans.

I just came home from our church's annual Women's Banquet. I actually had to come home early. I was about to lose it. I made it to my van before it all came spilling out....thank goodness.

I LOVE our Mother's Day weekend banquet. In fact, last year, I was the point person to plan it, and this year one of my best friend's did it. It was beautiful. We had our amazing 4 course meal provided by the men of the church and then Rachel West Kraemer, our special speaker/singer for the evening, began her performance. It was wonderful. But by the 3rd song in, I was already crying & trying to keep it together. Her songs were all about God's faithfulness & provision....and one was specifically about going through trials. I think on any other week, I could have handled this with my normal tears. But because of the significance of this week, I was barely keeping it together. My friends were giving me looks & pats of love, but I just was trying to limit myself to "church tears" while I kept dabbing my eyes.

After she sang a bit, she paused & asked for others to speak about God's faithfulness in their lives. I wanted to say something....about how God has been my sole source of strength & comfort on most days of this past year....but I didn't think I could make it through without going into the "ugly cry." After a few testimonies, Rachel shared about how her own son was diagnosed with autism years ago. She began to share their story of love & heartache, and I could keep it together no longer. I quickly covered my face & allowed the tears to rapidly stream down my face. I knew exactly what she was talking about....I know it all too well.

After her story, she began to close with the song, It Is Well With My Soul. After checking with my mom across my table for permission, I left the church. (I love it that my mama already knew...) I couldn't keep it together anymore, & I knew that this song would put me over the edge. I made it to my van & let it happen. Sobbing. Loud, ugly moaning crying. Cries of pain for my baby. Cries of sadness for his non-typical future path. Cries of brokenness. Of a life lost. Of a dream gone.

After about 10 minutes, I made my way home through still crying eyes, walked through the door & into my husband's open arms. This is a familiar scene in our home. The two of us not saying anything, but clinging to one another as we mourn. We don't need words....we both feel it. We share it. We understand it.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and I'm positive tonight's tears will not be my last of the weekend. I am so proud of Ethan, and I love every minute of being his mother. I am so blessed to have him as my child, and he has caused my heart to swell 10 times it's size. I love everything about him. But the pain of seeing him locked in his world is heartbreaking....even a year later. The challenges he faces on a daily basis are still overwhelming for this mama. And that's the hard & honest truth.

It's moments like this when it is hard to get out of bed in the morning. It's times like this that I just want to hole up in my home & stay in my protective bubble. It's days like this that even courage & coffee aren't enough to sustain me. So what does? Hearing Ethan babble from his bed in the morning. Seeing his messed up hair & smelling his super awful morning breath. Looking into those eyes & knowing that God gave ME this child. God entrusted ME with this path. And God provides ME with strength & endurance & wisdom. And I am so happy that God chose ME to be Ethan's mama....even on the hard days.

Thank you God for giving me Ethan. I love that kid more than life! Thank you for not only entrusting him to us, but for being there to help us as we navigate this path. I am one lucky mama! Happy Mother's Day!

3 months old

1st Birthday

2 years old

3 years old

My Church Party

What I am about to share with you is something that I can't believe I'm going to actually say out loud....well....write out loud. But, since my main goal is complete honesty...the good, the bad, and the ugly me without coffee....here it goes.

Growing up in church, I went to every church function. My parents philosophy was, "If the doors are open, we are going." And because of this and the way they lived their lives, I began my own personal relationship with Christ when I was in 5th grade. I was very fortunate to have parents who taught me about Jesus as well as lived their lives according to His ways. I knew that I wanted to have a relationship with Him too.

Fast forward to a few years ago, 6 months after Ethan was born, to the new devotional book that my husband and I were reading through together. Night Light for Parents: A Devotional written by Dr. James Dobson & his wife Shirley. It is a great book. But one question posed in this book was, "What did your parents do or didn't do that helped you come to know Christ?" Well, both my husband and I gave our lives to Christ when we were young, and we want that for Ethan as well. So, we decided that we would continue to attend church "every time the doors were open" as well as continue to live our lives for Him. We just re-committed ourselves to doing this having the new realization that this could help lead our child to a life with Jesus.....our biggest desire for him.

So that was the plan. Sunday morning Sunday school, Sunday morning church services, Sunday night service, Wednesday night service, and all of the events & activities in between. It also helps that we LOVE our church. This is actually where Corey & I met & eventually married. Both of our families attend here, so ALL......yes ALL of Ethan's cousins go to this same church. It is home away from home.

However, the last year has been a real struggle to keep this commitment due to Ethan's sensory challenges. After 3 hours in his new classroom, we would find him spinning in circles in the middle of the room during the kids free-play time. After several Sundays of this, I could take no more. We had to cut down his time in this classroom....it was just too much for him.

So, now we are only going to Sunday morning Service and not Sunday school. Why do we no longer do Sunday night or Wednesday night? Because, since Ethan rarely naps anymore, he goes go bed very early. And if we mess with his sleeping schedule, he is harder to communicate with & he has more meltdowns as well as other difficulties. We don't mess with his sleep unless we HAVE to....it's too hard on him.

This doesn't mean that we don't love Jesus or our church, but our church "plan" has been altered. So, instead, we ABSORB Ethan's Sunday School class that he does attend. We do most of the recommended activities sent home that corresponds with the curriculum. We write, post, and practice the newest memory verse. We read the weekly story in Ethan's kid Bible at night. I even change my the desktop picture on my computer to match his Bible story of the week.

So....the new plan is FLEXIBILITY! Church is still a very high priority for us, but it looks differently than we had planned. Why is this such a struggle for me? Why is this such a big deal? Because it's part of the "dream" being lost. Because it's not how I was raised. Because it's not what we had planned. And that is hard for me.

However, I am finding encouragement as I read through God's Word. I am reminded of Paul who was under house arrest, and could not be with the church as he wanted. And during this time, he wrote these words..."And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28. And this is helping me during this time of heartache.

But, this has been soooo much better for Ethan. He now calls church "My Church Party." LOVE! He loves going and no more spinning. And soon I'm sure he will be able to handle more. But for now, this is where we are.....and I am trying to be okay with it but it is hard. I miss my Sunday school class. I miss my Bible study. But it is what is best for Ethan right now, and this mama will ALWAYS do what is best for him. And when he says, excitedly, "Let's go to my church party!".....it is worth it!

Four Amazing Men

I shared this with our church's disability ministry's advisory panel, and I would like to share it with all of you. Someone once said that if you read the Bible with the theme of disability, you will discover a whole new side of God. And this has been the case for me. 

One story in-particular really has stuck with me, and this is what I shared with the panel. It comes from Mark 2:1-12. Here is the story....

A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. They gathered in such large numbers that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them. 

Some men came, bringing to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. 

When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”

 

  Now some teachers of the law were sitting there, thinking to themselves, “Why does this fellow talk like that? He’s blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?” Immediately Jesus knew in his spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts, and he said to them, “Why are you thinking these things? Which is easier: to say to this paralyzed man, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up, take your mat and walk’? But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.” 

So he said to the man, “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.” He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, “We have never seen anything like this!” 

There is a lot to dissect from this story, but when I read this after Ethan was diagnosed with autism, my heart immediately went out to the FOUR AMAZING MEN who were carrying the disabled man. What do we know about these men?

1. They were determined - To carry a grown man on a mat is not an easy task. How long did they walk? Where were they traveling from? I don't know, but even carrying a man on a cot down the street would take a lot of energy. These men would have to have been determined in order to accomplish this physically exhausting task.

2. They were problem solvers - When they arrived were Jesus was, they encountered an obstacle....they couldn't get through the crowd. However, this did not detour them. Instead they thought outside of the box (or door), and came up with a solution.

3. They were hard workers - Here these men has carrying this man all this way, and now they were to carry him up a set of stairs. Once on top of the roof, they essentially dug a hole in the floor to open up the home's ceiling. 

4. They were desperate - They lowered this man on his cot down into a room of strangers. These men could no longer do anymore. They had to trust this man's fate into the hands of the people in room....people they probably did not know.

5. They were men of GREAT faith - These men did all of these things because they KNEW that Jesus could heal this man. They KNEW that their efforts to see Jesus would not be in vain. They KNEW that once they took this man to Jesus, he would be healed. Amazing faith.

As a person helping to develop our church's new disability ministry, I find these four men to be very inspiring. I pray that we as a team & as a church are able to do all of these things for our specific audience of people who have special needs. I pray that we are doing all we can to bring them to Jesus. I pray that we don't give up, that we think outside of the box, that we work hard, and have faith that Jesus will help to heal these families....not from the disabilities but from the wounds of the world that every single one of us have.

As a mother of a child with special needs, I pray that I begin to trust my church family to carry my child the rest of the way. I, as Ethan's mommy, have a great responsibility to show & teach Ethan all about God & his love. And I accept this responsibility. But I know that it takes more than one person to teach a child. He will watch my example, but he will observe others as well. He will learn things from others that I can not teach him. He will be mentored by others, and I need to trust in my church for them to accept this responsibility as well. And, thankfully, we are blessed to be a part of a church family that WANTS to do this. 

So, our church has created Mosaic Ministries, a ministry specifically for those with special needs. We have created an advisory panel of parents, family members, teachers, therapists, experts, pastors, and people who have or work with people with disabilities. This is just the jumping off point, and I am so excited for what our future holds. I am very overwhelmed with joy to see so many people who are passionate about bringing ALL people to Jesus....even if that means we tear up the ceiling.

Just for Jessica (Me)

 

Bible Memory

Lately, I have been wanting to "challenge" (for lack of a better word) Ethan's brain. I have discovered that the more new things I am teaching him, the more calm & socially engaging he has been. Almost like if I exercise his brain, his mind is worn out. This seems to be causing him to behave better & have less meltdowns....and even occasionally napping! Corey & I were talking last night about how much Ethan has been talking & interacting with us this past week.....and I think me trying to "stump his brain" has really played a big part in it.

So, a couple of days ago, I thought I would start teaching him some scriptures from the Bible. It started at lunch one day, and I asked Ethan if he wanted to do a new prayer instead of our standard, "God is great, God is good, Let us thank Him for our food. Amen." His eyes got really wide & he jumped up, "YES!" So, I told him John 3:16.

For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son that 

whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have eternal life!

He was so excited. "Again, again?" he kept saying to me. We did this over & over again during our meal, and he began repeating it with me. But the next morning, he was saying it all on his own.....and asking for another new prayer. He has now memorized 3 Bible verses! I wrote them out & hung them by our dining table, so he could pick which one to do for our prayer.........and he picks all of them......in order, of course.  :0)

Ethan's Bible Verses

Deuteronomy 6:5

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart

and with all your soul and with all your might.

 John 3:16 

For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son that 

whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have eternal life!

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

Dear Family

Dear Family,

I just want to take the time & thank all of you.

Becoming a mother was a huge adjustment although it was a welcomed one. Becoming a stay-at-home mom was a huge adjustment although that too was a welcomed one. Becoming a mother of a child with autism has definitely been the biggest adjustment of them all.....maybe because that wasn't part of my "plan". And I wouldn't be able to do it without all of you. So, thank you for your support, for your prayers, and for your love as Corey & I are trying to parent....not only our first child.....but a child with autism.

Mostly, though, I want to thank you for how much you have supported Ethan. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ethan would not have made the progress he has made without each & every one of you. Currently, there is no cure for autism......only a treatment plan.....and that is intervention. And since we were able to have Ethan diagnosed so early, Ethan has a high chance of overcoming his autism-related challenges through Early Intervention. And this is why I am so diligent in helping Ethan right NOW. It increases his chance for success in the future. And I am so grateful to all of you because I am not alone in encouraging & supporting Ethan. You help Ethan in ways you don't even realize.

First, you help Ethan by treating him like any other 3 year old boy. You talk to him, you play with him, you joke with him, you tickle him, you put him on the big trampoline with your kids. You get excited with him, you laugh with him, you read with him, you play games with him, you try & teach him how to hold a baseball bat. You take him to car events, you watch NASCAR with him, you give him high-fives & fist-bumps. You cry when he says a line in the Christmas play at church, you work in church ministry that gives him & others with special needs a voice, you pray for him, you hug him, you kiss on him. You love him.

Second, you help Ethan by learning about autism. I know many of you read this blog. And I KNOW you don't do it because I am an amazing writer....that's not the case at all. You do it to understand Ethan, so you can help him & understand him better.....so you can have a stronger relationship with him. And that is HUGE. You ask questions....and I love that. You have talked with some of your older kids about what autism means & answered THEIR questions. You have gone to conferences, read books, watched TV interviews....all about autism.

Third, you tell others about Ethan. One of the promises of God that I cling to is in the Bible....John 9:1-3. It's the story of Jesus & his followers coming across a blind man. Here is what it says.....

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 

His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, 

“but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.

When you tell others of Ethan....whether it is to inform others of him or to ask others about ways to help him, I believe that you are telling others of the WORKS OF GOD.  I see God working in Ethan's life so mightily that it is overwhelming at times. The grace he has shown us, the mercy......the love & strength......it is truly amazing. And when you talk about Ethan to others, you are talking about what God is doing.....a miracle. Now, you may not use these words, but that is what you are doing......telling someone of a miracle in the making.

So, dear family, thank you for all of this & more. My little family of three is so lucky to have such a large family...most of who lives in the same town as us. We are so fortunate to have family that is supportive, interested, and loving. Thank you for what you have done & continue to do for Ethan. He is a VERY lucky little boy!......and so am I. 

I love you.

Jessica 

 

Day 5: Things I'm Thankful For - Autism Style

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!! Since it's the actual day of thanks, I figured it was only right that I share what I am most thankful for as I am learning to live with autism.....my faith in Jesus Christ.

I was always raised in church. Both of my parents are Christians, and my dad is even a pastor. So, I have been attending church ever since I was a baby. As most kids do, I prayed for Jesus to come into my heart almost every Sunday. But something happened to me when I was a young child that changed my faith-life forever. When I was in 2nd grade, my parents separated and then officially divorced when I was in 3rd grade. Since I was at a very impressionable age, I was very acute to how my parents would deal with this heartbreak....and both of them relied on their faith. This was a very monumental point in my life....seeing my parents endure such a difficult time, but never turning on their faith & both of them always relying on God. Then, when I was in 5th grade, my mom took me & my sister to a Carman concert. During the song, The Champion, God got a hold of my heart. I remember sitting down in my chair & crying. When my mom leaned down & asked me what was wrong, I told her that I didn't know. She said, " I think that God is speaking to you." As I silently shook my head yes, she prayed with me & that night I truly accepted God as Savior of my life. I will never forget that moment.

Years passed and I continued to be involved in church & learn more about this God that I now knew personally. The summer before my sophomore year in high school, I participated in a Nazarene traveling youth choir called Destiny. One concert, I remember having that same feeling...God was speaking to me again. I remember during that outdoor concert telling God that not only did I love him with all of my heart, but I wanted him to really be Lord of all of my life....every part.....my language, my activities, my attitude, etc. I wanted to be completely His.

God & I had a great relationship. He was a constant companion...guiding me & leading me through every decision. In January 1999, God brought a wonderful guy into my life. In August 2002, God blessed our marriage, and together as a couple we begin to pray for God to use us for his ministry. A year later, God blessed us with a tremendous opportunity to leave IL and travel to TN for a wonderful career move for Corey. We were so excited and continually felt God leading us down this path. However, a week after we had moved, things went terribly wrong. Things were happening to Corey at work that caused us to doubt why God had brought us there. A very long month later, Corey could take no more & resigned. When the owners of the company got word of the happenings, they sent us an apology letter along with reimbursement for moving expenses. Eventually, the owners came in, cleaned house & took care of the situation.....but it was too late for Corey. He could endure no more, and our faith had been shattered. Why had God so clearly brought us to this place? to this situation? to this mess? We both felt that God had left us. After years of us both loving our God, we both turned our backs to Him. If this is what following God's will was like, we wanted nothing to do with it. We were both mad & hurt.

Thankfully, we have a Christian family & friends who were praying for us when we couldn't. They invited us to Bible studies, church activities, Sunday school, and so on. We participated....begrudgingly.....because we wanted to keep our families happy. I remember during one session of my Ladies' Bible Study, the question was posed....."What role of God do you need him to be in your life?" Examples were: Father, Comforter, Rock, etc. My answer was easy.....Friend. I felt like my dearest & closest friend had betrayed me, and I needed him to be a true friend.....the friend I remembered growing up. On the way home from that session that night, the song, Praise You in This Storm, came on the radio. I just sat in my driveway, and cried. Cried out all the hurt, cried out all the pain, cried out in forgiveness....and that's when the healing began. It wasn't like the next day I was all better, but it was the first step. And over time, God was able to heal our hurt & restore our relationship with Him. I had always believed that even though we may not understand the situation, God always has a plan for us. It wasn't until years later that Corey and I realized why God had led us to that situation. Corey & I have led a very "easy-ish" life.....nothing ever all that traumatic had ever happened to either of us. Not only did it cause us to "grow up", but this situation brought Corey & I extremely close to each other. No one else in this world knows what we went through & how it felt....only the two of us. And when Corey & I talk about that time in our life, we both agree that we wouldn't change a thing. The benefits far outweigh the scars. The bond that was created between Corey & I will never fade. We endured a horrible thing together, turned our back on God together, and found our way back to God together.

Now, fast forward to the day Ethan was diagnosed with autism. Because of what we have experienced in the past, Corey & I knew that, no matter what, God has a master plan. And because of our past, we were able to handle this news better than if we hadn't endured that period of time. Do I ever ask "why?" Absolutely. Will I blame God for this & turn my back on Him? Never. Do I lean on him EVERY DAY for strength? Always. And now I even think that we went through such a difficult time in order to prepare us for learning to live with autism. That God....He is always a step ahead of us, isn't He!

So, on this Thanksgiving Day, I am very thankful for having a personal relationship with my Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ.

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9