Editing

One of my favorite TV shows is Everybody Loves Raymond. One particular episode, Raymond's brother is getting married for the second time, and during the wedding ceremony, when the preacher says, "Speak now or forever hold your peace," Raymond's mother stands up & makes a big speech. Of course everyone is shocked & appalled because of her actions & words. Later, at the wedding ceremony, Raymond is giving The Best Man speech, and he talks about editing. His advice is to edit out the bad memories of the day on their wedding video & keep the good ones. And I must say that lately I have found myself editing my writing.

Ethan is wonderful, and I love him so much. I don't ever want my writings, decisions, ignorance or fear to affect him negatively. I often think about how putting so much of our private life out for the world to learn & read about will effect him in the future. I don't want to do or write anything that will hurt him or embarrass him. I have also been very aware of who is reading this blog. Friends, family, teachers, organizations, etc. have told me that they are enjoying reading about a family learning to live with autism. So, I again find myself leaving things out of my writings as to not upset or offend anyone. And this has caused my outlet to no longer be my outlet. My free therapy has found a price. But, then I realized today, if I don't talk about the good and the bad events, I am really doing a disservice to not only myself, but to everyone. Learning to live with autism is NOT easy, and it takes more than a family unit to do so. Ethan has a FANTASTIC support system in place.....lots of loving family, a caring church family, a dynamite set of teachers & therapists.......and I need to be mom. This is my role in his life, and I need to do this role first.

Because of my background in education (and my type A personality), I tend to put pressure on myself to be the one to educate everyone else about Ethan. I think that I need to be the expert on Ethan & how to handle everything that comes with his autism diagnosis. But the truth is, I don't know everything. I am learning right along side of Ethan & his support system. I can share with others what I know & what I have learned, but I learn new stuff everyday. And then Ethan changes, and I have to do a TON more research in order to deal with his new issues. It's hard, but statistics consistently are showing that early intervention is the best thing for an autism diagnosis. So, no matter how hard it is, I will do EVERYTHING in my power to help my child. And, to be honest, I tend to feel like it is my sole responsibility....when in actuality that is NOT true. And I need to stop putting that kind of pressure on myself. Maybe it's a mom thing?

So, I promise to no longer edit myself. I would be doing a disservice to me & to anyone who is truly interested in our story. Now, I may not tell EVERY story about Ethan because some things need to remain private. But learning to live with autism has more than one tone. Yes, it is very rewarding, fun, exciting, and joyful. But it is also overwhelming, lonely, draining, and challenging. I apologize if some of my stories & thoughts tend to be sad or upsetting.....please don't read them if they bother you. But, in order to be the best mom I can be for Ethan & the best wife that I can be for Corey, I need my outlet. And this is it, baby!

The name of my blog is LEARNING to Live with Autism.......not Here is How to Live with Autism. And we are a work in progress over at our house. There is a song that I sing with Ethan, and maybe someday I will be able to sing it with him without having to swallow back tears....

HE'S STILL WORKING ON ME

He's still workin' on me
To make me what I ought to be
It took Him just a week to make the moon & the stars
the sun and the Earth and Jupiter and Mars
How loving and patient He must be
He's still workin' on me

There really ought to be
A sign upon my heart
Don't judge me yet, I'm an unfinished part
But I'll be perfect just according to His plan
Fashioned by the Master's loving hand

He's still workin' on me
To make me what I ought to be
It took Him just a week to make the moon & the stars
the sun and the Earth and Jupiter and Mars
How loving and patient He must be
He's still workin' on me